Wanker asks: 'Am I a wanker?'

A wanker has ordered an investigation into whether he broke the ministerial code by wanking too much, often in a circle jerk with other wankers.

In an awkward coincidence, this news came only a few weeks after a public speech when the wanker had insisted that Britons aren't doing enough wanking to stimulate the economy.

The wanker-in-chief has yet to pass any comment. Far be it from him to do anything decisive or display any leadership. What do people think he is, the leader of the country or something??

Not gay, apparently.